As a prelude to this post I need to talk about the Wawa. As you may know from Omar's story, the Wawa has played an integral part in the lives of every Wallingfordian. For every Swarthmorean, the Co-Op will never, ever replace the Wawa. I have better memories there than in my own house. It is a sad day for all of humanity for the Wawa has been shut down, replaced by a Pantry One. This is a disgrace. Also, for all of you that are expecting me to wear a sweatervest tomorrow, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I will not be wearing a sweater vest tomorrow. I did, however make up for it by wearing a sweater vest tonight to my mother's birthday dinner (Happy Birthday Mom). The good news is that I will be going down to the Wachovia Center to watch the NCAA games with your friend and my favorite. To go along with that, I will be documenting my times down there and will let you all in on what went on, behind the scenes. I realize you are all expecting Jack to post, but I would just like to put in my two cents: I have reached level 50 too, and I completely agree about Vin Diesel. I will also be putting in my two cents throughout the post when necessary. So, without further ado, The Jack Eiel.
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Ok, now as Mr. Soup has informed you, I will be posting an article every 500th hit on this site. Now because I was given no definite instructions or topic of what to write about, I’ll just do it and see what happens.
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So at approximately 5:11 this evening I received a cryptic text from none other than Mr. Soup reading, “Yo call me you need post.” Obviously, Soup has been in some sort of horrific accident inhibiting his ability to complete sentences, so I called right away. My initial thoughts were pretty far off seeing as it was just a slight typing mistake. Nonetheless, it was time for me to make my debut for the Soup Kitchen. So at around 5:12 I began working vigorously on my post. Now with no further ado, here are some views on life from me.
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As Soup mentioned in his last post, I have indeed been in the Bill Simmons mailbag on multiple occasions. After hearing this I know what you thought. “Oh this Jack Eiel must be a very proactive and ridiculously good looking guy.” Sadly this is not the case (Editor's Note: Except for the good looking guy part, that's true). I’m actually so lazy, that I don’t have the motivation to surf the Internet to link you to my amazing B.S. posts. To get you in the right frame of mind, I would also like to share that I am currently receiving a lower grade in Gym class than Biology, simply because of my so called ‘lack of participation’. Which is ridiculous, I participate in gym as often as Jack Bauer merks someone for no particular reason. Anyway, enough about me, on to more important issues.
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Ok first topic of discussion, the new Facebook. “Oh my gosh! It is so gosh darn different from the old Facebook. I don’t know where anything is.” This is my best impression of little boys and little girls everywhere who fear change. I could honestly care less about the changes on Facebook. Change is good for everybody once in a while; it makes the world a better place. I mean really, just listen to this.
So watch out because if I see one more status similar to this one
“new facebook sucks.”
Or
“the new facebook = reallll annoying.”
I’m libel to do this to someone.
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Please, don’t click the following link just yet because it demon powers will distract you from reading the rest of this post. (Ed. Note: He is right. Really, don't do it.) Run is the work of the devil. Now I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I have skillz when it comes to ‘run’. I’ve reached the last level, level 50, on multiple occasions. Only to find that the 50th level can literally not be beaten, the old T.B.D. (RIP) concurred with me on this count. We agreed that it is impassable, unconquerable, and almost the exact opposite of Ron Stoppable. For now on it is my life goal to beat this game, or at least witness someone else beating it. That’s all I want, but I know it will never happen. It’s like wanting Vin Diesel to make a good movie. I mean I want him to so, but, sadly, I know it will never happen.
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Once a year, every year, I start feeling left out. So left out, in fact, I contemplate reading the Twilight series. (Don’t worry I never do.) So as you can imagine, it is really quite depressing to reach this time of year once again. And I know what question your asking yourself. (Ed. Note: I had to remove a sentence here because of the family-friendliness of the blog. Let me assure you, it was hilarious). But the other question you’re probably asking yourself is ‘what pray tell is such an event that it leaves, one such as yourself feeling ‘left out’’. It’s quite simple: March Madness.
Despite having ridiculous ball control and a wet jumper to top that, I really know nothing about college basketball. I’m usually left out of my friends’ reindeer games due to my lack of basketball knowledge. So this year I will be implementing a new strategy. Instead of choosing teams for my bracket based on skill or ranking (because I can’t), I will be picking all 65 games based entirely on who has a better mascot. For instance: #8 Ohio State Buckeyes against #9 Siena. Now this might seem like a tough game to pick. Nope. Let’s examine the mascots. Ohio State has a Buckeye. Do you know what a Buckeye is? It’s a dessert. So who in the world assigned it to be a mascot, preposterous, right? Siena on the other hand has a good rough and tumble mascot by the name of Bernie the St. Bernard. Needless to say, Siena and Bernie take this matchup hands down. I assure you this type of analysis will be going into every one of my picks.
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And please, Ladies, don’t be intimidated by the Soup's good looks. (Ed. Note: I guess it's true, I am pretty good-looking.) If you see him on the streets introduce yourself, for he is really a quite enjoyable fellow.
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You’ve been served by the (Ed. Note: second) best, My friend
Jack Eiel
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