Mr. Jack Eiel's First Guest Appearance

As a prelude to this post I need to talk about the Wawa. As you may know from Omar's story, the Wawa has played an integral part in the lives of every Wallingfordian. For every Swarthmorean, the Co-Op will never, ever replace the Wawa. I have better memories there than in my own house. It is a sad day for all of humanity for the Wawa has been shut down, replaced by a Pantry One. This is a disgrace. Also, for all of you that are expecting me to wear a sweatervest tomorrow, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I will not be wearing a sweater vest tomorrow. I did, however make up for it by wearing a sweater vest tonight to my mother's birthday dinner (Happy Birthday Mom). The good news is that I will be going down to the Wachovia Center to watch the NCAA games with your friend and my favorite. To go along with that, I will be documenting my times down there and will let you all in on what went on, behind the scenes. I realize you are all expecting Jack to post, but I would just like to put in my two cents: I have reached level 50 too, and I completely agree about Vin Diesel. I will also be putting in my two cents throughout the post when necessary. So, without further ado, The Jack Eiel.

___________________________________________________


Ok, now as Mr. Soup has informed you, I will be posting an article every 500th hit on this site. Now because I was given no definite instructions or topic of what to write about, I’ll just do it and see what happens.

___________________________________________________


So at approximately 5:11 this evening I received a cryptic text from none other than Mr. Soup reading, “Yo call me you need post.” Obviously, Soup has been in some sort of horrific accident inhibiting his ability to complete sentences, so I called right away. My initial thoughts were pretty far off seeing as it was just a slight typing mistake. Nonetheless, it was time for me to make my debut for the Soup Kitchen. So at around 5:12 I began working vigorously on my post. Now with no further ado, here are some views on life from me.

___________________________________________________


As Soup mentioned in his last post, I have indeed been in the Bill Simmons mailbag on multiple occasions. After hearing this I know what you thought. “Oh this Jack Eiel must be a very proactive and ridiculously good looking guy.” Sadly this is not the case (Editor's Note: Except for the good looking guy part, that's true). I’m actually so lazy, that I don’t have the motivation to surf the Internet to link you to my amazing B.S. posts. To get you in the right frame of mind, I would also like to share that I am currently receiving a lower grade in Gym class than Biology, simply because of my so called ‘lack of participation’. Which is ridiculous, I participate in gym as often as Jack Bauer merks someone for no particular reason. Anyway, enough about me, on to more important issues.

___________________________________________________

Ok first topic of discussion, the new Facebook. “Oh my gosh! It is so gosh darn different from the old Facebook. I don’t know where anything is.” This is my best impression of little boys and little girls everywhere who fear change. I could honestly care less about the changes on Facebook. Change is good for everybody once in a while; it makes the world a better place. I mean really, just listen to this.
So watch out because if I see one more status similar to this one
“new facebook sucks.”
Or
“the new facebook = reallll annoying.”
I’m libel to do this to someone.

___________________________________________________


Please, don’t click the following link just yet because it demon powers will distract you from reading the rest of this post. (Ed. Note: He is right. Really, don't do it.) Run is the work of the devil. Now I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I have skillz when it comes to ‘run’. I’ve reached the last level, level 50, on multiple occasions. Only to find that the 50th level can literally not be beaten, the old T.B.D. (RIP) concurred with me on this count. We agreed that it is impassable, unconquerable, and almost the exact opposite of Ron Stoppable. For now on it is my life goal to beat this game, or at least witness someone else beating it. That’s all I want, but I know it will never happen. It’s like wanting Vin Diesel to make a good movie. I mean I want him to so, but, sadly, I know it will never happen.

___________________________________________________


Once a year, every year, I start feeling left out. So left out, in fact, I contemplate reading the Twilight series. (Don’t worry I never do.) So as you can imagine, it is really quite depressing to reach this time of year once again. And I know what question your asking yourself. (Ed. Note: I had to remove a sentence here because of the family-friendliness of the blog. Let me assure you, it was hilarious). But the other question you’re probably asking yourself is ‘what pray tell is such an event that it leaves, one such as yourself feeling ‘left out’’. It’s quite simple: March Madness.

Despite having ridiculous ball control and a wet jumper to top that, I really know nothing about college basketball. I’m usually left out of my friends’ reindeer games due to my lack of basketball knowledge. So this year I will be implementing a new strategy. Instead of choosing teams for my bracket based on skill or ranking (because I can’t), I will be picking all 65 games based entirely on who has a better mascot. For instance: #8 Ohio State Buckeyes against #9 Siena. Now this might seem like a tough game to pick. Nope. Let’s examine the mascots. Ohio State has a Buckeye. Do you know what a Buckeye is? It’s a dessert. So who in the world assigned it to be a mascot, preposterous, right? Siena on the other hand has a good rough and tumble mascot by the name of Bernie the St. Bernard. Needless to say, Siena and Bernie take this matchup hands down. I assure you this type of analysis will be going into every one of my picks.

___________________________________________________

And please, Ladies, don’t be intimidated by the Soup's good looks. (Ed. Note: I guess it's true, I am pretty good-looking.) If you see him on the streets introduce yourself, for he is really a quite enjoyable fellow.

___________________________________________________

You’ve been served by the (Ed. Note: second) best, My friend

Jack Eiel

The Curious Case of Omar Randall

For those of you that are not familiar with Omar Randall, he is a mysterious young man. First, to set the stage for you all, Omar and I are almost brothers. We are tight. Come to think of it, we kind of resemble these guys, except for that whole love thing. Its kind of the opposite with me and Omar. Our friendship is fueled by our rivalry with each other. I only ridicule him and share stories about him to the world because I want to stir the pot a bit. So, Omar, while I do know that you read the blog, please don't gossip about me for this.

The first thing you will learn about Omar, probably before you even learn his name, is that he is always chewing gum. I've been in his house, and he actually has a cupboard shelf full of packs of gum. I'm going to be completely honest when I say that the sight of the Terrific Tower of Tasty Tar will blow your mind. Its not even that Omar chews the gum for that long. Its the fact that he has more gum than Stride does surplus that allows him to wear out his jaw bone more than the bachelor does the word "amazing." I've always waited for Omar to go through something like this, but its yet to happen.

After spending a small amount of time with Omar, chances are he will come up with a nickname for you. He has an uncanny ability to deliver just the right name at just the right time. He has named himself O-Star Superstar, along with the countless other names he has created. Now, anyone can come up with a new nickname, but one has to know how to get it out in public. That's where Omar's gossiping abilities come into play. He is probably the world's greatest verbal marketer. In less than two weeks, he implemented the name Cran for a kind sir. According to him, he made Cran "go global." Only the superstar...

I have to share one more story with you about Omar. Along with making up nicknames and spreading gossip, Omar's last specialty is making up ridiculous stories and sticking to them. The best example of this is the Wawa story. Omar, a friend named Downs, and I were at my house. Downs and I locked him out of the garage and Omar left. He was gone for 15 minutes when he finally came back. Downs and I asked him where he had been and he said he walked to Wawa. Now, I'm hoping none of you actually know the distance between my house and the Wawa or else I may need to look into a little thing I like to call a restraining order. For those of you that aren't stalkers/my friends who know the town of Wallingford, the Wawa is about 5-10 minutes driving from my house. Omar said he got there and back, so we asked him what he bought. He pulled out an iced tea bottle and a pack of gum. You already know about the pack of gum, so that offered nothing to us. The iced tea bottle, however, was capless and completely infested with ants. There were more bugs in there than in this popular Disney motion picture. Omar claimed to have dropped it. Then he pulled out the gum package and inserted the last piece into his mouth. I know what you're thinking: he chews gum like a madman. Not even the superstar could chew that amount of gum in that small amount of time. Downs and I, super sleuths that we were, figured that this was impossible. While Omar has since admitted his guilt, he has never, ever offered an alibi. This just adds to the mystery of the Superstar. If I could get three questions of mine answered, I would ask what Omar was doing that night along with the plot of Lost and why Weapon-X left for Denver (yes, I realize that is the second time this post, it's called publicity).

On a side note that has absolutely nothing to do with what I have previously said, I am looking to do a prank, maybe involving the readers of this blog or possibly having to do with Facebook. Any suggestions would be gladly accepted and thought over.

Always Serving,

Sobel Soup